He brings me rest...

The reason blogging appeals to me, in part, is because one doesn't have to push oneself to write or think or move within a set of humanly constructed boundaries.  I have great respect for those boundaries, mind you, and I will be the first one to constructively criticize a friend's poorly structured essay, paper, letter or whathaveyou.  I think there needs to be a movement which flows and makes sense and the way we, as rational beings, have cooperated to communicate in common form is logical, functional, and forces one to think intelligently and thoroughly.  I also think with some practice, a lot of practice, the principle behind the structure becomes internalized, part of one's logical rhythm, and once that has happened, it is nice to let the writing flow...at least a bit (hoping this describes me a little bit).

Because for me, writing has always been a conduit through which I've prayed and hoped God would work.  I want Him to speak through me.  I want to bring something of use, light, truth, and most of all, love, into this world which can feel so cold, lost, and ...calculating...conditional, I suppose.  I used to believe that if I just worked hard enough, I could do it, all on my own.  I could figure out the answers and hand them down from on high.  I just needed to work hard enough, search hard enough, pray hard enough.

I've since learned that growth in holiness (in said growth I am NOT very far... or else I wouldn't be writing a post about how I like the opportunity to be undisciplined, etc....holiness is my main aim in life, however far I may be from achieving it, however) happens through a transformation by the divine.  It's not something that you can just search out, or that you can learn with your mind, or think your way to (and thank goodness because I would spend way TOO much time trying to do that if that were true - what a relief to know I don't have to figure it all out with my poor and finite reasoning ability).

Rather, you ask God to transform you and....he does it.  Done.  Yes, this process takes years and never really ends.  Yes, this process can take you through periods in your life which are super difficult but it leads you to a place of...well...rest.  It's hard to explain.

I've worked so so so hard, at least by my standards, in this life.  It always felt like I was stretched to the limit, over-extended, about to break.  I always told myself (or was told) just hang on, just get through this time, and then life will get easier.  But, it never really did.  And then, after all that hard work, I find myself working very hard, on an extremely tight budget (for the tenth year or so), and regularly very fatigued.  Sometimes, it's made me a little resentful (forgive me, Father).  But, then, I stop for a second and realize, I no longer feel pushed, forced, strained.  Life itself is not a burden that feels unbearable in my life (as it often has).  I don't feel like I might break.  I don't feel like the ground under my feet is comstantly shifting.  I'm exhausted, challenged, drained sometimes, sad, lonely, and sometimes scared and upset.

But, I am not lost.  I am not overburdened.  I am not terrified (most of the time).  And, life doesn't not feel too much.  In fact, my life right now, has certain qualities of rest and relaxation about it that I have never experienced in my life.

Why?

Because I made some choices to live God's will instead of my own.  He knows what I can and cannot handle.  He knows what I am and am not made for.  And he has constructed a life for me that I can bear (his burdens are light) when it's tough and rest in when things lighten a little.  It's not that things aren't rough....or any less rough than they've ever been.

It's, well, it's that He took my life...a life that looked good on paper but was riddled with emptiness, despair, and fear... and He made it into something that may not look as good materially (I wouldn't even have thought to choose it myself given the option) but is...restful...fulfilling...light...meaningful.

I have touched on this before, in a different sense, but I continue to be amazed.

And, as I continue to give over more, and to trust more...the challenges become bigger but the sense of rest and ease...well, it does too.

I don't mean rest and ease, like, I have servants, no money troubles, and regularly vacation.  I don't have any of that.  Rather, I mean, a life that suits me well...me...my temperament...and is not overwhelming or unbearably difficult to live out.  As one who has been a chronic overburdener of self, this is miraculous and, and new.

I love the life God has given me.  I hope I can incline my will more to his, because, then I know, I will find more of that sense of rest.

"Come to me all you who are burdened and are heavy laden and I will give you rest..." Paraphrase of Jesus somewhere in the bible.  Baby is waking - don't have time to look it up.

The Sun Smashed In On Me

The sun smashed in on me

From the brightness of your joy.

And with your slightest caress,

The gentlest rays,

Light on fire the caverns of my chest -

oranges and reds -

the sun's glow,

sparking the dying embers

crackling in my heart - not old -

but ill...aching.

Nooks and crannies decades lost

flush in that cleansing flame.

The shine of the new -

Irredeemably dulled from idealism's lost hope -

Rejuvenate to the more subtle gleam

of one since found.

My dear one,

Each heaviest breath,

Drawn deeper to

Hold you in....tight,

Asks more of my backbone and slumping form

Than any breath prior.

And yet, meaning fraught,

fulfillment found,

Tending that tiny soul,

Destined for God's eternity.

The seeping weight-

leaking love's pearly tears -

yet buouys me up with the

light of our joy, weightless

Never before known to me.

What it's Like to be Found

Over-analytical, perfectionistic, and so deeply sensitive...I came to the conclusion, and rightly so, that I could not make it in this world on my own. Despite tangled yards of thought, gently teased apart, in the hopes of unwrapping a life which would provide fulfillment; despite carefully crafted ideas and arguments delicately culled from years of extensive and intensive study into life, human nature, religions, and psychology; despite prayer and pleading, openness to others and a desperate generosity born of real love, and I might admit, aching need; despite a searing desire for God rooted in the pit of my stomach and anchored on my heart as an endless weight to my tempestuous mind, I could not and did not find my way to anything good. And truth evaded my grasp, wisping out through my fingers....past one finger, then two. Like a dream. Perhaps, I used to think, truth is a dream, something untenable, implausible, and relativism is the only truth worth maintaining.

For those who don’t understand being a relativist, it’s a bit like being adrift on the sea in a fog. You’re doing your best to navigate, or so you think, and yet you see nothing. Maybe a glimpse here or there – moments where the fog clears. It only follows, therefore, since you know how hard you are trying to see, and how little you succeed, that it is impossible for anyone to see anything. Anyone trying to assert a direction, therefore, must be arrogant or a liar or an idiot.

But it seems to me that they, our relativists from the paragraph above, don’t know something…or someone…or not well enough. This world is impossible to navigate and we are fools, those of us who have had some success in this life, if we take the credit all for our own. It’s impossible to find your way on your own…unless God steps in. With the tiniest of puffs (for Him), the slightest of breaths (for Him), the most miniscule of efforts (for Him), he can blow away all the confusion, the mist, the fog, and lay clear the path. I am amazed at what He has done for me. I could never have done this for myself.

The ways my life is taking form around me are amazing. Becoming Catholic has foundationally changed my life for the better. I am blessed by a husband and child that have, each in different ways, made my life vibrate with deep love, possibility, and fire. I feel I have found my vocation in motherhood. I have achieved a level of peace and joy that were previously unknown to me. I feel…found.

But I think I am most amazed, at this moment, to notice that the pace of my over-analysis has slowed, the sharp edge of my perfectionism has dulled, and my patience has, ever so slightly increased. I realize, as I give all over to God, I let go a bit of that desire to control my situation which has been a hallmark of my life, and grew in my ability to wait and see. Because God proves to me, constantly, that He has better things in mind for me than I could foresee, plan, or construct. And, I am so glad.

I couldn’t make it here on my own.