Over-analytical, perfectionistic, and so deeply sensitive...I came to the conclusion, and rightly so, that I could not make it in this world on my own. Despite tangled yards of thought, gently teased apart, in the hopes of unwrapping a life which would provide fulfillment; despite carefully crafted ideas and arguments delicately culled from years of extensive and intensive study into life, human nature, religions, and psychology; despite prayer and pleading, openness to others and a desperate generosity born of real love, and I might admit, aching need; despite a searing desire for God rooted in the pit of my stomach and anchored on my heart as an endless weight to my tempestuous mind, I could not and did not find my way to anything good. And truth evaded my grasp, wisping out through my fingers....past one finger, then two. Like a dream. Perhaps, I used to think, truth is a dream, something untenable, implausible, and relativism is the only truth worth maintaining.
For those who don’t understand being a relativist, it’s a bit like being adrift on the sea in a fog. You’re doing your best to navigate, or so you think, and yet you see nothing. Maybe a glimpse here or there – moments where the fog clears. It only follows, therefore, since you know how hard you are trying to see, and how little you succeed, that it is impossible for anyone to see anything. Anyone trying to assert a direction, therefore, must be arrogant or a liar or an idiot.
But it seems to me that they, our relativists from the paragraph above, don’t know something…or someone…or not well enough. This world is impossible to navigate and we are fools, those of us who have had some success in this life, if we take the credit all for our own. It’s impossible to find your way on your own…unless God steps in. With the tiniest of puffs (for Him), the slightest of breaths (for Him), the most miniscule of efforts (for Him), he can blow away all the confusion, the mist, the fog, and lay clear the path. I am amazed at what He has done for me. I could never have done this for myself.
The ways my life is taking form around me are amazing. Becoming Catholic has foundationally changed my life for the better. I am blessed by a husband and child that have, each in different ways, made my life vibrate with deep love, possibility, and fire. I feel I have found my vocation in motherhood. I have achieved a level of peace and joy that were previously unknown to me. I feel…found.
But I think I am most amazed, at this moment, to notice that the pace of my over-analysis has slowed, the sharp edge of my perfectionism has dulled, and my patience has, ever so slightly increased. I realize, as I give all over to God, I let go a bit of that desire to control my situation which has been a hallmark of my life, and grew in my ability to wait and see. Because God proves to me, constantly, that He has better things in mind for me than I could foresee, plan, or construct. And, I am so glad.
I couldn’t make it here on my own.
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