He brings me rest...

The reason blogging appeals to me, in part, is because one doesn't have to push oneself to write or think or move within a set of humanly constructed boundaries.  I have great respect for those boundaries, mind you, and I will be the first one to constructively criticize a friend's poorly structured essay, paper, letter or whathaveyou.  I think there needs to be a movement which flows and makes sense and the way we, as rational beings, have cooperated to communicate in common form is logical, functional, and forces one to think intelligently and thoroughly.  I also think with some practice, a lot of practice, the principle behind the structure becomes internalized, part of one's logical rhythm, and once that has happened, it is nice to let the writing flow...at least a bit (hoping this describes me a little bit).

Because for me, writing has always been a conduit through which I've prayed and hoped God would work.  I want Him to speak through me.  I want to bring something of use, light, truth, and most of all, love, into this world which can feel so cold, lost, and ...calculating...conditional, I suppose.  I used to believe that if I just worked hard enough, I could do it, all on my own.  I could figure out the answers and hand them down from on high.  I just needed to work hard enough, search hard enough, pray hard enough.

I've since learned that growth in holiness (in said growth I am NOT very far... or else I wouldn't be writing a post about how I like the opportunity to be undisciplined, etc....holiness is my main aim in life, however far I may be from achieving it, however) happens through a transformation by the divine.  It's not something that you can just search out, or that you can learn with your mind, or think your way to (and thank goodness because I would spend way TOO much time trying to do that if that were true - what a relief to know I don't have to figure it all out with my poor and finite reasoning ability).

Rather, you ask God to transform you and....he does it.  Done.  Yes, this process takes years and never really ends.  Yes, this process can take you through periods in your life which are super difficult but it leads you to a place of...well...rest.  It's hard to explain.

I've worked so so so hard, at least by my standards, in this life.  It always felt like I was stretched to the limit, over-extended, about to break.  I always told myself (or was told) just hang on, just get through this time, and then life will get easier.  But, it never really did.  And then, after all that hard work, I find myself working very hard, on an extremely tight budget (for the tenth year or so), and regularly very fatigued.  Sometimes, it's made me a little resentful (forgive me, Father).  But, then, I stop for a second and realize, I no longer feel pushed, forced, strained.  Life itself is not a burden that feels unbearable in my life (as it often has).  I don't feel like I might break.  I don't feel like the ground under my feet is comstantly shifting.  I'm exhausted, challenged, drained sometimes, sad, lonely, and sometimes scared and upset.

But, I am not lost.  I am not overburdened.  I am not terrified (most of the time).  And, life doesn't not feel too much.  In fact, my life right now, has certain qualities of rest and relaxation about it that I have never experienced in my life.

Why?

Because I made some choices to live God's will instead of my own.  He knows what I can and cannot handle.  He knows what I am and am not made for.  And he has constructed a life for me that I can bear (his burdens are light) when it's tough and rest in when things lighten a little.  It's not that things aren't rough....or any less rough than they've ever been.

It's, well, it's that He took my life...a life that looked good on paper but was riddled with emptiness, despair, and fear... and He made it into something that may not look as good materially (I wouldn't even have thought to choose it myself given the option) but is...restful...fulfilling...light...meaningful.

I have touched on this before, in a different sense, but I continue to be amazed.

And, as I continue to give over more, and to trust more...the challenges become bigger but the sense of rest and ease...well, it does too.

I don't mean rest and ease, like, I have servants, no money troubles, and regularly vacation.  I don't have any of that.  Rather, I mean, a life that suits me well...me...my temperament...and is not overwhelming or unbearably difficult to live out.  As one who has been a chronic overburdener of self, this is miraculous and, and new.

I love the life God has given me.  I hope I can incline my will more to his, because, then I know, I will find more of that sense of rest.

"Come to me all you who are burdened and are heavy laden and I will give you rest..." Paraphrase of Jesus somewhere in the bible.  Baby is waking - don't have time to look it up.

HHS Mandate/Komen

Baby's teething and that means my sleep is a little disrupted.  Kept me from posting although I have a lot to say.

I'm sad, though, about the mandate and now about Komen's seeming cave into pressure around their decision not to fund Planned Parenthood.

I want to be hopeful.  A piece of the internet that sees God's hand in all of this.  But it's also hard to watch those who don't have a sense of justice on the attack ...and winning.

Will address this when I am feeling a little stronger of heart.

Perhaps this will result in a backlash by Catholics?

Hmmm...we'll see.  The baby woke up from her all-too-short nap.